Batman's Pal Jimmy Olsen
by McGeesJabberwock
Summary: Jimmy Olsen has dumped Superman and has now joined up with Batman, the Prince of Darkness. Can Superman save Jimmy from the demonic clutches of the Dark Knight?


It was a bright, sunny day at Metropolis Park, where Superman was having a birthday party! All of his friends had come: Lois, Jimmy and even Krypto the Superdog had arrived to wish the Man of Steel a happy birthday.

'Wow, thank you,' said Superman as he ate another cupcake, 'You guys are the best!'

He opened Krypto's present, and it was a new tie. 'Ah yes,' said Superman, hand on his chest. 'The tie. A symbol of the hard-working men that make our country what it is. As American as apple pie!' Then he opened Jimmy's present and gasped.

'What's wrong?' asked Jimmy, narrowing his eyes a bit.

'_God of War III_?'

'Yeah, you know, 'cause you got a new Xbox?'

'Jimmy!' growled Superman, standing up as an American flag fluttered behind him and Star Spangled Banner played in the background, 'This game is full of senseless violence and killing. I bought the Xbox to play nice games about kittens and flowers, not fierce monsters like this bald guy. Violent video games are un-American and should be...'

'Um, Superman,' said Lois. Superman turned around and saw his cupcakes had been stolen by Darkseid while he was talking. Darkseid ran out of the park, stuffing his gob with cupcakes, laughing all the while.

'Jimmy,' snarled Superman, lowering himself, 'I thought you were my friend. But now you give me violent video games and because of you, I have no cupcakes!'

'Well, what if I don't want to be your friend anymore?' Jimmy balled his fists. 'You're a wimp! It's always America this, and patriotism that! Well, what if I'm not fond of America?'

'You monster!'

'That's it! Our friendship is over! Goodbye!' And with that, Jimmy stormed off.

'What have I done?' Superman asked himself, his hands shuddering.

'There, there, Superman,' said Krypto, placing a paw on Superman's shoulder, 'I'm sure he'll forgive you in time.'

'What if he doesn't?' sighed Superman, before flying off to his gumdrop house to think about what had happened.

Later, Jimmy sat in the pub, dowsing Guinness after Guinness. 'Who needs that Super-shit anyway?' he growled to the mixologist before guzzling down another beer, 'Ooh, look at me, I'm such a goody-goody! I want to have sex with America! Geez, and don't even get me started on...'

Just then, the Scarecrow crashed through a window and fell to the floor. Before he could scramble away towards the fire exit, Batman tore the front wall off of the pub and ate it whole. Lightning flashed and thunder crackled as he stormed in. Screaming in terror, the Scarecrow got on his feet and ran to the fire exit, but tentacles of darkness rose from the floor and ensnared him.

Batman spoke, and when he did, every patron of the pub froze. 'Now, Scarecrow, who is the master of fear?'

'Y-you are?'

'Louder.'

'You...'

The tentacles tightened their grip on the Scarecrow as Batman bellowed, 'I SAID LOUDER' in a voice that shook the entire pub.

'Batman is the master of fear!'

'Good.' Batman smiled. 'Now, my minions,' he pointed at the tentacles, 'take this scum-sucking scarecrow back to Arkham to rot forever.' With a final scream, the Scarecrow was taken underground by the tentacles of darkness.

'Wow!' When Scarecrow disappeared, Jimmy ran to Batman with a gigantic smile elongating his face. 'That was cool! You're way better than Superman!'

'Of course I am!' Batman bent over to face Jimmy. 'I'm glad you finally see that. I loathe that goody-goody and his moronic philosophy. Truth, justice and the American way? America is a cesspool of death and lies, like every other country in the world! We shouldn't have pride in that!'

'You know, Batman?' Jimmy said, pointing at Batman, 'I like the way you think. I want to be your friend and not Superman's.'

Batman laughed, illuminating the pub in a shade of crimson. 'Yes. Let's be friends, shall we?'

So, the next evening, Jimmy invited Batman to come to his apartment. When Batman entered Jimmy's apartment though, he fell to his knees, screaming in pain.

'What's wrong?'

'Why is your apartment so bright? The walls are bright blue and you have...a carpet! Apartments should be wet and miserable with cockroaches everywhere!'

'Um, yeah.' Jimmy scratched the back of his neck. 'So, wanna watch _The Big Bang Theory_?'

'Ooh, 'Bang'!' Batman rubbed his hands with a malicious grin. 'That sounds like my kind of show!'

So Jimmy and Batman watched _The Big Bang Theory_, with Jimmy still laughing raucously even when the show was over. Batman, however, sat in silence, his eyes wide. He didn't move an inch. At least, he didn't, until Jimmy poked him.

All of a sudden, Batman roared ferociously, flames engulfing his form. Jimmy's apartment crumbled away, revealing a swirling black vortex, with gigantic bats soaring towards Jimmy. Soon, Jimmy and Batman stood on a rocky platform, above a bottomless pit.

**HOW DARE YOU. **Batman's voice sounded like a choir of lost souls. **FORCING ME TO WATCH THAT HELLISH PROGRAMME.**

Jimmy fell to the ground, shuddering. 'You...didn't find it funny?'

**ALL COMEDY SHOULD BE OBLITERATED FROM THE EARTH! **Batman raised his arms into the air before he slammed his fists down on the platform. **THAT WAS A LIGHT-HEARTED SHOW WITH A LAUGHTRACK! HOW CAN SUCH A THING EXIST IN A DEPRESSING WORLD SUCH AS THIS? IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A DARK-HEARTED SHOW WITH A SCREAM-OF-AGONY-TRACK! **

'W-well...they...t-they referenced you, didn't they?'

**THAT JUST MAKES IT WORSE! I THOUGHT I TOLD ALL TELEVISION STUDIOS THAT IF THEY WERE TO USE MY NAME IN ONE OF THEIR PROGRAMMES, THEY HAD TO SACRIFICE A VIRGIN IN MY NAME FIRST! HOW COULD THEY ASSOCIATE MY NAME WITH A...A...G-GOOFY **Batman flinched. **STORY LIKE THAT?**

Batman grabbed Jimmy Olsen by the collar, his hot breath making Jimmy tear up. **THIS IS SUPERMAN'S FAULT, ISN'T IT? YOU'VE ALLOWED HIM TO CORRUPT YOUR MIND! YOU'VE ALLOWED HIM TO BLIND YOU! BECAUSE OF HIM, YOU FAIL TO SEE THE WORLD AS IT TRULY IS! YOU DON'T SEE WHAT A DARK AND UNFORGIVING PLACE IT IS!**

With a flash of light, the apartment returned to normal, Batman still standing there. 'But I can help you,' said Batman in his normal voice, 'Come to my castle tomorrow.'

The next day, in Superman's gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane, the Blue Blur stared at a bust of Abraham Lincoln. 'Oh, great emancipator,' said Superman, 'What should I do about Jimmy?'

Krypto walked into Superman's bedroom. 'I think you should forgive him.'

'How can I?' said Superman, a single tear dripping from his eye, a single globule of mucus dripping from his nose and a single blob of saliva dripping from his mouth. 'Jimmy was mean to me. He was being nasty to an American icon, and thus was being un-American. He is no better than Mussolini and English Muffins.'

'Oh, come on!' said Krypto, 'How about a song?' Grabbing a straw hat and a bamboo cane, Krypto began his song:

_You're a nice guy, a popular guy,  
But now, my friend, you're making me cry,  
Jimmy needs you, he's your best chum,  
Come on, big blue, don't make me glum!_

_You gotta make up!  
Tell him you're sorry.  
You gotta make up!  
The hatchet you bury!_

Before Krypto could finish his song, however, a gigantic three-headed hellhound burst through the wall, bringing with it an array of storm clouds and a chorus of agonising shrieks in the background. 'Oh no!' cried Krypto, 'Ace the Bat Hound!'

Ace rose a paw, right before nailing Krypto to the ground. Before Krypto could even cry for help, Ace tossed Krypto into his middle head and ripped him to shreds. All Superman could do was watch as Krypto's entrails splattered across the floor.

'Ace, you monster!' Superman shook his fist. 'Why?'

A fierce laugh escaped Ace's three throats. 'Just rubbing it in. Jimmy's Batman's friend now, and there's nothing you can do about it!' With another slam of his paw, Ace made Superman's gumdrop house crumble to dust, leaving only him and a terrified Superman. After spitting in Superman's face with his Kryptonite drool, Ace darted off.

Superman writhed on the floor, the Kryptonite rendering him powerless. All he had the strength to say was, 'Oh, Jimmy.'

* * *

Batman's Bat-castle overlooked all of Gotham on the twisted hill it sat atop, leering at it with disdain and anger. The lava pit in front of it gave it a hellish hue, but that did not stop Jimmy from approaching. He walked the path, between the array of wizened, crooked trees, until he saw Darkseid at the front door.

'Darkseid!' Jimmy gasped. Just as he was about to run away, the front door burst open, revealing Batman in all his glory.

'Yo, Batman, my main man!' Darkseid balled his hand into a fist and said, 'Safe!' Batman and Darkseid bumped their fists together.

'You're friends with Darkseid?'Jimmy asked Batman.

'Yes!' Batman said, 'We both see the true darkness that crawls in this world, and we both hate Superman!'

'Yes,' said Darkseid before turning back to Batman. 'Are you sure it's wise having this guy here?'

Batman laughed. 'Of course. If I convert a friend of Superman's to my side, that will be my ultimate victory over that blue bastard. Besides, that goody-goody should be dead by now!'

'What?'

'Yes, my faithful hound should have killed him. And good riddance too! He brought the world...' Batman scrunched his face as he tried to say that word. '...hope. And I hate hope!' He slammed his fists against the door. 'Nolan is a liar! Like I would ever take the fall for Harvey Dent's crimes! If that film truly was a faithful portrayal, I would have gone down the streets with a megaphone, telling everyone that Harvey murdered! Then I would have gone down to Hell and beat up that two-faced twat some more!'

'Yes,' said Jimmy, 'Well, good riddance. Now, teach me how to be badass like you!'

* * *

No more.

No more would he inspire good. No more would his gumdrop house shine on the streets of Lollipop Lane.

No more would he live.

The saliva was too strong. Superman winced as his arms grew numb, then his legs, then his torso. This was it. That fiend Batman had won. He was now free to usher in a new age of darkness and misery.

Superman hung his head.

Just then, the grey clouds parted and a beam of light shot through, dissolving the Kryptonite drool. With that obstacle eliminated, Superman slowly regained his strength. He raised his arms, embracing the sun's rays.

As his powers returned, a familiar figure descended from the sky. A portly man with a pointed nose, wearing a white robe. Superman instantly recognised this figure as the Penguin, a noble man who took his own life not long ago.

' Superman,' said the Penguin, 'You must not give up. You must Jimmy from the clutches of Batman.'

'You're right, Penguin,' said Superman, standing tall and proud. 'I will.'

* * *

Following Batman and Darkseid, Jimmy walked into Batman's dungeon. The walls were made of bricks that resembled gravestones, and had rabbits and wingless bluebirds nailed to them. In one corner of the room, an emaciated Riddler lay chained, a bat symbol carved on his chest.

'Wow,' said Jimmy.

'Yeah,' said Darkseid, folding his arms, 'Pretty rad, ain't it?'

'Is this even legal?'

Grinning, Batman replied, 'Well, let's ask an officer of the law, shall we?' With a snap of his fingers, a shuddering Commissioner Gordon entered, his coat far too big for his body, dark circles under his eyes. 'Hey, Gordon,' said Batman, sneering, 'is this dungeon illegal?'

'Not at all, B-Batman!' Gordon forced a smile and nodded his head quickly. 'G-go ahead and d-do what you want!'

'Very good,' replied Batman, tossing Gordon a dog biscuit before turning to Jimmy. 'Now, Jimmy, if you want to be my friend, there's something you must do first...' From a wooden table, Batman took a goblet filled with blood. 'This is my blood. You must drink it.'

'Ew,' said Jimmy, but Darkseid pulled open Jimmy's mouth. Batman forced his blood down Jimmy's gullet.

Jimmy clutched his stomach.

'That's right! Let the darkness flow through you!'

Screaming, Jimmy raised his arms as wings burst through them. He grew twenty foot tall, fur burst out of his chest, and his face twisted as his ears stretched. In a few seconds, Jimmy had transformed into a gigantic demon bat.

'Batman!' he cried, admiring his new talons of death, 'You have opened my eyes!'

'YES!' Batman laughed maniacally right before Superman burst in.

'Leave Jimmy alone!'

'NEVER!' screamed Batman as he turned into a gigantic disembodied head breathing fire. 'JIMMY's MINE!'

Superman looked at Jimmy and gasped as he saw what his friend had become. 'Jimmy, what has he done to you?'

'I've improved him!' yelled Batman, 'And now he's going to kill you! Go ahead, Jimmy!'

Jimmy beat his mighty wings and rose to the air. Devastated at what had happened, Superman collapsed to his knees, holding his head in his arms. He looked up, however, to see the mutated Jimmy swoop down, bearing his new claws.

'Go ahead and do it, Jimmy,' said Superman, 'All this is my fault.'

Jimmy dove.

He dug his claws in Batman's head.

'No!' screamed Batman the giant head as Jimmy ripped him in two. The deed done, Batman exploded in a brilliant white light.

'What the hell?' cried Darkseid, darting towards Jimmy before a brick fell from the ceiling onto his conk, knocking him unconscious.

'Superman!' cried Jimmy, still in his bat form, 'The castle is collapsing!' Jimmy stretched out his claws again, this time to pick up Superman and fly him away from the castle before it completely fell down. When it was fully reduced to a pile of rubble, the sun shone on Gotham City for the first time in centuries, and the people rejoiced.

'Jimmy,' said Superman, 'Thank you for destroying Batman and bringing the people of Gotham a new era of peace.'

'You're welcome,' said Jimmy, 'And I'm sorry for dumping you.'

'Apology accepted. Now let's go for milkshakes.'

'AGH! A giant bat!' Some random Gotham citizen then shot Jimmy and he fell over dead.

'Oh. Never mind then.'

THE END?


End file.
